It has been exactly one month since my last post.
I apologize to anyone who actually reads my blog.
Hope you didn't think I had cashed in my chips and moved on
to another casino. This year has been a real bitch for me.
I was hopeful , as I am every January first, that this would be the year
that everything falls into place, I get my act together and I can
finally make a living (off the corporate grid) doing what I love.
I was off to good start, but in February my dear Ceci died rather suddenly,
and not in a peaceful manner. I was a bit devastated, to say the least,
but I managed to plod on and get back to my master plan.
Then, a month to the day of my cat's death, my Mother died, also very unexpectedly.
As an only child, who has been estranged from my family for the past
five years, with only minimal contact with my Mother, you can say that
there was a lot of unfinished business between us. The one thing that I said my
father would never get to say to me was that my Mother had passed.
The first time I hear my Dad's voice in five years, and he tells me she's
in the hospital, in ICU for her COPD. A few days later, he calls to tell me she's gone.
Really?! WTF do I do with that info now? To top it all off, there was no
funeral or service to honor her life or bring closure to this gaping wound I have in my chest.
My Mother didn't have a lot friends who aren't on four legs, and she was
ridiculously vain, so I can see how a funeral wasn't in the cards, but I
still have a huge hole in my chest begging for closure.
Needless to say, this year has been rough. I haven't found my way back
onto the path I had so much hope for only moments (months?) before.
I can't focus, I can't care about much of anything for very long, and I really
don't even find pleasure in things I once cherished.
I didn't even care about (gasp!) Hallowe'en this year. Didn't decorate,
or do anything besides hand out some candy. Boo.
With Christmas being my Mother's favorite time of year, I wasn't
in the mood to enjoy the parades, watch the stop motion shows, and the baking,
that we once had so much fun doing together in the past.
She always went out of her way to make Christmas so special for me.
I think I finally know the real definition of depression.
It's a mighty deep hole, but I think I am ready to climb out now.
Here's hoping that 2014 provides a more positive and creative outlook for me.
I have come up with some ways that I'd like to honor my Mother's memory
this year, and for years to come.
I'm ready to get back in the game. Deal me in!